The News: Highlights of the Week Special

E1; W7: 20/3/20

Welcome to Week 7 and a The News: Highlights of the Week Special! Within the last two weeks things have become quite hectic with the increase of the coronavirus as well as other things; so there have been plenty of news stories to catch up on. I will try and avoid the serious stories and focus on the funny, ridiculous headlines – to try and bring a bit of cheer rather the continued panic. This will be the last post for the time being (Not because I have the virus – I haven’t) because I going to do these in seasonal editions. The second edition shall return in the summer – hopefully with no more viruses!

So without further ado and in no particular order, strap yourselves in and let’s begin with Graveyard’s The News: Highlights of the Week! (We’ve got 2 weeks to cram in!)

MAX VON SYDOW DIES

Another actor passes away! Only knew him from his tiny role in Star Wars but he had that presence that made me think I had saw him in other films. Sad loss.I’m not saying these celebrities are immune from dying, but just think of how many celebrities (actual big-names) since 2014 – basically starting with Lemmy! 9/3/20 courtesy of Sky News

WOMAN DELIBERATELY COUGHS AT MAN ON TRAIN

The dirty cow! Honestly, some people! *cough*, *cough*, *cough* – Hope your Norton subscriptions are up-to-date, as those coughs may have given your computer the coronavirus! [I know, that was shit!]. 9/3/20 courtesy of LBC

DENISE VAN OUTEN QUITS BOOZE

FOR HOW LONG? So apparently it’s ‘tragic’ being a party in your 40’s? You don’t have to stay out all night, but there are plenty of people, 40+, who still like going out and having fun – It’s just that (most) are now mature enough to know not to get smashd! 10/3/20 courtesy of The Sun (yes unfortunately, it is still going!)

STEPH DAVIS IN HOSPITAL BATTLING UNKOWN ILLNESS

Unknown illness? I think I’ve discovered what it is! Attentionseekingitis! If she was that bad, she wouldn’t be actually posing in her pictures and would not be looking smug! There’s keeping a brave face and then there’s publicity grabbing! Hey, it works though! 10/3/20 courtesy of Liverpool echo

 SINGER NEVER TO RETURN LIVERPOOL AFTER DISASTER GIG

Well if you weren’t so shite, Stephen Jones, people wouldn’t be walking out! (Although, the venue should have paid him his full money – unless his pay was based on the number of tickets sold! Feel sorry for the venue, they had to pay him £18 plus refund both fans for a poor show! I don’t know! 10/3/20 courtesy of Liverpool Echo

NADINE DORRIS TESTS POSITIVE FOR CORONAVIRUS

Isn’t she the one everyone hates? In other news, Donald Trump has been in contact with COVID-19 positive people – It would be a “real” shame if anything happened to him, wouldn’t it!….. However, he’s been tested and he hasn’t got it – damn, I mean thank God! 10/3/20 courtesy of Sky News

MICHAEL GOVE POURS WATER ON HIS PHONE

It’s okay, it breaks he can just get another with taxpayers money. The man is a disgrace and shouldn’t be part of any government. 11/3/20 courtesy of The Independent

BORIS AND WIFE TO-BE COULD GET RID OF DOG REPORTS ‘TOTAL CRAP’

Says his fiance – well I wouldn’t put it past them! 11/3/20 courtesy of Sky News

TRUMP PREPARED TO USE FULL POWER OF US GOVERNMENT ON CORONAVIRUS

“We’re going to send in the military, send out the nukes and blow that virus to kingdom come” Is the English translation. 11/3/20 courtesy of Reuters

WHAT ARE THE FOUR STAGES OF THE UK’S RESPONSE PLAN

Eat, Drink, Sleep and Self-Isolate! 12/3/20 courtesy of Sky News

MAN BURPS ON 999 CALL (AGAIN)

He was jailed doing this before and he has done it again! Shouldn’t he call Scottish Power for his gas needs? 12/3/20 courtesy of Sky News

MUM WARNS OFF PEOPLE KISSING YOUNG CHILDREN

I thought Jimmy Savile died years ago! 13/3/20 courtesy of The Mirror

TRUMP GROWS IRATE AS CORONAVIRUS CONTAIN ATTEMPTS FAIL

Definitely sounds like a spoilt kid not getting his way. Trump: “I ordered it to stop. I ORDERED IT TO STOP! Why is it not stopping? It’s not fair!” 13/3/20 courtesy of CNN

SATELLITE SHOWS FALL IN POLLUTION OVER NORTHERN ITALY

Guess it’s true; there are positives to take from negative things. You these conspiracy theories. There’s going to be some about the coronavirus being man-made to help fight climate change! Still, it is good to see pollution levels going down (Even if it’s only for a short time!) 13/3/20 courtesy of Sky News

WOMAN KEEPS LICENCE DESPITE SPEEDING 20 TIMES IN TWO MONTHS

 She has 66 points on her licence, but because she says her mum is named as a guarantor for her rent and car payments (Which her mum would not be able to afford it because she [the daughter] needs her licence for her business), the judge says she is allowed to keep driving. Er… I’m pretty sure she could use public transport, ask friends/family or even get a taxi – if her businesses are as successful as she says surely she can afford a chauffeur! She’s definitely ‘sucked’ up to the judge(s) to keep hold of her licence – that has 66 points on it! 13/3/20 courtesy of Liverpool Echo

IAN BRADY’S DYING WISH AS HE SPENT DYING DAYS GASPING FOR AIR

If his lawyer was any decent person he would have released the letters/briefcase Brady said not to open and, possibly, find the locations of his lost victims. And as for his ‘gasping for air’ I just hoped he was gasping for a hell of a long time! I feel sorry for his victims relatives who are still being denied the (possible) chance know where they are. Who gives one about what Ian Brady wants! 14/3/20 courtesy of The Mirror

DAVID MOYES NO LONGER SELF-ISOLATES

Much to the dismay of West Ham fans! 14/3/20 courtesy of Sky Sports

CHEATING HUSBAND CATCHES CORONAVIRUS ON SECRET TRIP TO ITALY WITH MISTRESS

If the virus doesn’t kill him, his wife will! This is hilarious! Imagine if he tests positive for other tests too! (STD’s or his mistress becomes pregnant!). Whats more his so-called ‘secret’ has been exposed to the public – pretty sure he will be found out! 17/3/20 courtesy of The Sun 

SPANISH FOOTBALL COACH DIES OF CORONAVIRUS AFTER LEUKAEMIA BATTLE

Kind of sums The Sun up really. They’re trying to make out he died from the virus but fail to take out the bit where he had leukaemia. He died from leukaemia, the virus may have made things wore (Like it has done with other people, but it’s not the killer!) 16/3/20 courtesy of The Sun

AND I GET A TEXT FROM THE PROPHET

THE CHASE FANS FURIOUS WITH ‘SCUMBAG’ PLAYER

He took the minus offer – The bastard! 18/3/20 courtesy of Liverpool Echo

LONDON AMID CORONAVIRUS: EMPTY SHELVES BUT BUSY BARS

That’s the British way! I’m so proud! 20/3/20 courtesy of CNN

LAUREN GOODGER TELLS NHS WORKER TO SHUT UP

She says she’s working in ‘her salons’ but she’s posing outside trying to make the face mask fashionable! Now if she gets sick, I’d love a worker to tell her to shut up! Who is she anyway? Looks like one of these reality show WOS (Waste Of Spacers)! 22/3/20 courtesy of The Mirror

VICAR ACCIDENTALLY SETS ARM ON FIRE WHILE RECORDING VIRTUAL SERMON

Or was it an accident? As a priest…vicar – whatever – surely it has to be an act of God! It could be a sign of God telling him to prepare for when he dies, letting him know where he’s going! These vicars; if their not having sex with boys their burning their house down! 22/3/20 courtesy of Sky News

WOMAN FIGHTING FOR LIFE AFTER BEING SERIOUSLY INJURED DURING ATTACK AT NORTH LONDON PROPERTY

Breaking News: The first casualty from Boris’ Stay In order! Let this be a reminder to wives to just make your husbands a sandwich at the first request! 🙂 I joke. Domestic abuse is not on, don’t be a spineless coward and take out your frustrations on your partner. 22/3/20 courtesy of Sky News 

HARVEY WEINSTEIN TESTS POSITIVE FOR CORONAVIRUS IN PRISON

Well that’s him dead then! Watch how the women start moaning at how he gets out of his jail time and where’s their justice now! You watch! Personally, if you’re looking to get of a prison sentence then this is the way to go! 23/3/20 courtesy of Sky News

IN OTHER NEWS….

Alex Salmond gets acquitted of sexual charges. 23/3/20 courtesy of Sky News

Well that’s it for the first edition of The News: Highlights of the Week! This will resume in the summer, so hopefully no more coronavirus stuff! In the meantime, take it easy with this virus – If you go out, make sure it’s necessary.

Let me know what you think of this post in the comments below.

See you in a few months! (Hopefully)

Thanks for reading!

 

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