The News: Highlights of the Week 6/3/20

W6: 6/3/20

Welcome to Week 6 of The News: Highlights of the Week! Let’s see if this week can better last weeks edition! [SPOILER, it’s not!, please read on]

So without further ado, let’s begin with Graveyard’s The News Highlights of the Week!

BORIS JOHNSON GETS ENGAGED AND IS HAVING A BABY & IS GETTING A PATERNITY TEST

Good for him, hopefully he finds out who the father is! This was announced on Saturday and then on Tueday he says he will take a paternity test. Nice to see he has faith in his fiance just like we have faith in him as Prime Minister! Ha! courtesy of Sky News 29/2/20 https://news.sky.com/story/boris-johnson-and-girlfriend-carrie-symonds-expecting-first-baby-together-and-get-engaged-11945648

 

CORONAVIRUS HITS SCOTLAND

 So we’ve got the complete set now! England, Wales, Northern Ireland as well as Ireland! courtesy of Sky News 1/3/20

 

FERN BRITTON DECLARES SHE’s ALIVE

Thank you so much for clearing that up. I thought she was, since you don’t hear about her anymore! courtesy of The Mirror 1/3/20 https://www.mirror.co.uk/3am/celebrity-news/fern-britton-lets-fans-know-21611844

 

WOMAN BLAMES STORM DENNIS FOR PARKING TICKET

Nice try love! If the storm blew her ticket over home she’s still got it? Wouldn’t it have been blown away? Why is she even putting a parking ticket on the outside of the car in the first place? courtesy of Liverpool Echo 2/3/20 https://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/news/liverpool-news/woman-blames-storm-dennis-parking-17836738

 

DINERS LEFT WITH NAUSEA AND VOMITING
You sure it wasn’t just the chef not cooking the food right? Forget suicide vests this is ISIS’ new terror method! courtesy of Sky News 2/3/20 https://news.sky.com/story/diners-left-with-nausea-and-vomiting-after-knightsbridge-restaurant-attacked-with-foul-smelling-liquid-11948005

 

GENDER NEUTRAL TOILETS

Do people really want integrated public toilets? I’m still surprised we still haven’t got gender neutral passports! How do they get around the passport problem? They have to pick a gender then! courtesy of LBC News 2/3/20

https://www.lbcnews.co.uk/uk-news/gender-neutral-toilets-could-fall-foul-of-building/

 

ROXANNE PALLET FEELS BULLETPROOF

Well we can certainly put this theory into practice! courtesy of Female First 3/3/20 https://www.femalefirst.co.uk/tv/news/roxanne-pallett-feels-bulletproof-following-cbb-backlash-1231129.html

 

MAN FLOODS OWN BATHROOM

Talk about living in your own shit! courtesy of The Mirror 3/3/20 https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/man-blocks-entire-neighbourhoods-drainage-21622377

 

SNICKERS WELSH JOKE

Surprising how Welsh is the only British language to not be spoken elsewhere – Gaelic is in Scotland and Ireland and English is worldwide! Yet the Welsh get all touchy when you slag off their gibberish language! (Joking) courtesy of Sky News 4/3/20 https://news.sky.com/story/snickers-welsh-language-twitter-jibe-sparks-anger-11948992

 

ITV APOLOGISE OVER PIERS MORGAN CHINESE MOCKING

Wear so so sowie! (Had to do that!) Piers Morgan is like the kid in school who thinks showing off is impressive! It’s not, it just makes you a right tosser! courtesy of The Metro 4/3/20 https://metro.co.uk/2020/03/04/itv-formally-apologise-piers-morgan-mocking-chinese-language-good-morning-britain-trying-mock-royal-family-12346293/

 

MIKE BLOOMBERG ENDS PRESIDENTIAL BID

Or, quickly translated ‘Mike Bloomberg is not as good as Donald Trump’ – let that sink in! Well I suppose Trump did have outside help! courtesy of Sky News 4/3/20 https://news.sky.com/story/billionaire-mike-bloomberg-ends-presidential-bid-after-spending-500m-on-white-house-run-11949457

 

DAD LETS DAUGHTER DRINK VODKA SHOTS

Well they’ve got to somewhere! Nothing wrong with letting your kids drink in the house! courtesy of Liverpool Echo 4/3/20 https://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/news/uk-world-news/dad-slammed-buying-alcohol-daughter-17861113

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER SUES RUSSIAN ROBOT START-UP OVER LOOKALIKE ROBOT
I always thought Arnies loves being a robot! courtesy of Sky News 5/3/20 https://news.sky.com/story/schwarzenegger-sues-russian-company-promobot-10m-over-lookalike-robot-11949896

WOMAN IN FOOTBALL FIGHT FOR EQUAL PAY

Okay this is going to get a bit topical. Woman footballers want equal pay, but let’s look at it this way. Men’s football (Well top level at least) benefits from TV money and big name sponsors. Lower league (men) footballers don’t even get what the women top players make. Men footballers have only been getting paid this good since the mid 80’s. Women’s football is getting more recognised but they can only get equal pay when they get better TV deals – And that won’t happen anytime soon! Courtesy of Sky Sports 5/3/20 https://www.skysports.com/watch/video/sports/football/11950134/women-in-football-continue-fight-for-equal-pay

 

FLYBE GOES INTO ADMINISTRATION

Another one bites the dust! Flybe has crash landed! Still shocked over Thomas Cook going bust but Flybe’ I’m not arsed about. It’s bad for the Channel Islands other difficult to reach places but surely EasyJet can step in! But without domestic flights the government should start investing in the rail network making more places more rail friendly! Not to mention the lack of planes means it’s better for the environment (Just forget about the where the electricity comes from for the trains). courtesy of Sky News 5/3/20 https://news.sky.com/story/flybe-boss-tells-staff-airline-going-into-administration-11949899

 

DRINKING COFFEE OR WATER CAN GET DRIVERS FINED £5,000

So we can’t drink beer and now we can’t have a cup of tea or water? The countries gone mad! Next we’ll be told we’ll have to choose a radio station before starting off and sticking with it! courtesy of The Sun 5/3/20 https://www.thesun.co.uk/motors/11103455/drinking-coffee-water-driving-fine/

 

LAWYER KILLED FOX NOT PROSECUTED

What a surprise! Lawyers getting away with murder! Jolyon Maugham is a bastard. Killing a fox with a baseball bat because it was trapped was the only thing he could think of? How about trying to set it free or calling the RSPCA? He didn’t need to kill it! courtesy of Sky News 5/3/20 https://news.sky.com/story/lawyer-who-killed-fox-with-baseball-bat-will-not-be-prosecuted-by-rspca-11950345

 

TRAIN SMASHES INTO CAR

Merseyrail’s new trains test drive goes wrong! (The train does look like the new Merseyrail trains!) courtesy of Sky News 5/3/20 https://news.sky.com/video/car-driver-survives-horror-train-track-crash-with-a-few-bruises-11950343

 

GENDER STUDY SHOWS 90% ARE BIASED TOWARDS WOMEN

What a load of bollocks – Says 100% of people who read that headline! The best thing is the sign ‘Human rights are women’s rights’ – Now isn’t that biased towards men? I think that sign contradicts the article’s headline! Bet it was a women who wrote it! courtesy of BBC News 5/3/20 https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-51751915

GOVERNMENT SPEND £4.4 BILLION ON BREXIT
Nice to know the UK aren’t wasting money! Guess Farage was right, Britain is much better off out of the EU when you can waste £4.4 billion on planning! Move over Saudi Arabia – Britain is the new home of the moneybags! courtesy of Reuters 6/3/20  https://uk.reuters.com/article/uk-britain-eu-cost/britains-government-spent-4-4-billion-pounds-on-brexit-planning-idUKKBN20T007

 

PRITI PATEL DEFENDED IN BULLYING CASE

If this was a man, he would be kicked out already and questions would be asked later! Patel is hard faced cow who is definitely having an affair with Boris Johnson – He has defended her and won’t kick her out even if her bullying claims are true (Which they will be). If she had any honour and morals she would resign (Like Sajid Jarvid did – I gained some respect for him after that). She won’t resign though! courtesy of Evening Standard 6/3/20 https://www.standard.co.uk/news/politics/shes-never-crossed-a-line-priti-patel-defended-by-almost-100-allies-as-she-faces-series-of-bullying-a4380001.html

 

TRUCK CRASHES INTO ICONIC FACE ON EASTER ISLAND

Talk about a smack in the face! courtesy of The Guardian 6/3/20 https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/mar/05/easter-island-anger-after-truck-crashes-into-sacred-stone-statue

 

AMBER RUDD TELLS OXFORD TO STOP HIDING

Talk about being unpopular! Obviously, the students have much better things to do; like sleeping! courtesy of Sky News 6/3/20 https://news.sky.com/story/amber-rudd-tells-oxford-university-students-to-stop-hiding-after-being-no-platformed-11950752

 

HOW TO POLITELY DECLINE A HANDSHAKE

courtesy of Quartz 6/3/20 https://qz.com/work/1813557/an-etiquette-expert-on-how-to-decline-a-handshake/

 

Okay not as good as last week, but there are some good ones. Hope you enjoyed it. There won’t be a week 7 next week – think of it as a mid-series break – we will return in two weeks with the best news stories from both weeks.

Let me know what you think of this post in the comments below.

See you next week!

Thanks for reading!

 

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