News Highlights of the Week 28/2/20

W5: 28/2/20

Welcome to Week 5 [Yes, week 5; I’ve been doing this for 5 weeks! Jesus Christ!] of The News Highlights of the Week! Now after last weeks sort of morbid one, this week is going to be filled with some funny news stories; bringing you some humour to send you into the weekend!

So without further ado, let’s begin with Graveyard’s The News Highlights of the Week!

HARRY AND MEGHAN CAN’T USE ‘SUSSEX ROYAL’

Well considering they don’t want to be Royals anymore then the shouldn’t be allowed to use it. I think in legal terms it’s called ‘false advertising’! (Or fraud!) courtesy of Sky News 22/2/20 https://news.sky.com/story/prince-harry-and-meghan-will-not-use-sussex-royal-after-spring-sources-11939786

US REVEAL UK’S TRIDENT PLANS

With friends like them, who needs enemies! The UK only confirmed leaving the EU last month and now the US are already screwing us over! Then again, I always prefered Wrigleys! courtesy of Sky News 23/2/20 https://news.sky.com/story/us-defence-officials-reveal-uks-trident-replacement-plan-11941067

HOUSE OF LORDS EXPENSES

Must have an American spy in their camp. The Commons must not, which is why their expenses haven’t been leaked! courtesy of The Sunday Times 23/2/20 https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/house-of-lords-expenses-spiral-out-of-control-36w0cbq5s

ACID-WASHED CHICKEN FROM US

We’ll be having mutant bloody chickens next! Just because the US like to eat shite it doesn’t mean we have to! We can still get our food from the safe and quality selection of the EU after ‘brexit’. Screw the US and their inferior food standards! courtesty of Sky News 23/2/20 https://news.sky.com/story/acid-washed-chicken-from-us-raised-by-new-environment-secretary-george-eustice-11941237

CORONAVIRUS SPREADS TO LIVERPOOL ROYAL HOSPITAL

Right, you have somebody who has deadly virus and you move them to one of the worst hospitals in the city risking spreading it to others! I can’t see what can go wrong with this! courtesy of Liverpool Echo 23/2/20 https://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/news/liverpool-news/cruise-ship-evacuee-who-tested-17800382

MI5 DENIES SHUTTING OUT HOME SECRETARY

To be fair no one else trusts her! courtesy of The Independent 23/2/20 https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/mi5-priti-patel-shut-out-intelligence-briefings-home-office-bullying-a9353671.html

DONALD TRUMP ARRIVES IN INDIA

I thought the diarrhea arrives a few days after arriving in India not upon arrival! courtesy of Sky News 24/2/20 https://broradio.fm/sky-news/us-president-donald-trump-has-arrived-in-india-for-a-three-day-official-visit/

WOMAN HAS 2 MONTH WAIT AFTER BIRTH TO FIND OUT IF IT’S BOY OR A GIRL

I thought it was easy to find out? Didn’t she know that boys have that extra feature girls don’t? Apparently, her baby had a genital defect so the baby didn’t know if it wanted to be a boy or a girl – Congratulations… the first non-binary baby! courtesy of The Sun 24/2/20 https://www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/11029346/baby-born-malformed-genital-organs-omphalocele/

IS THIS THE MOST DANGEROUS TIME TO BE WOMAN IN BRITAIN

‘Most dangerous’? It’s stuff like this that’s the problem with this planet! A bunch of stupid brats who have got some struggles in getting on with their lives that they are trying to put the blame on others (In this case man!). Olivia Blair stop writing shite or be like your namesake [Tony Blair] and fuck off! Be helpful to society instead of being one of the problems! courtesy of Elle 24/2/20 https://www.elle.com/uk/life-and-culture/a30020318/women-danger-rape-murder-rates-uk/

LIFE EXPECTANCY OF WOMEN FALLING

Well they keep calling for equality! courtesy of Sky News 25/2/20 https://news.sky.com/story/womens-life-expectancy-falls-in-englands-poorest-areas-while-the-north-south-health-gap-grows-11942639

TWO SAUDI DIPLOMATS DRINK DRIVING

Bloody foreigners coming over here taking advantage of our benefits! The bastards! courtesy of Sky News 25/2/20 https://news.sky.com/story/two-saudi-diplomats-thrown-out-of-uk-over-alleged-drink-driving-11943128

PARIS HILTON RELATED TO THE QUEEN

What the hell is she on? Bloody mental cow! courtesy of Honey 25/2/20 https://honey.nine.com.au/royals/paris-hilton-claims-she-is-related-to-queen-elizabeth/89612ab8-3d9d-4705-97a6-d2c6377131f6

FAMILY UNABLE TO LEAVE HOME BECAUSE OF DISEASE RIDDEN RATS

Not wanting to be out done by all of these modern-trendy viruses, The Plague has returned! (To be fair, it is in Hull – It’s probably the rats that can’t escape because of the disease-infected Monghullians!) courtesy of The Mirror 26/2/20 https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/family-unable-leave-home-disease-21578373

POLICE OFFICER ARRESTS GIRL, 6

{Officer] “I’ve warned you before, Schweppes have filed a copyright warning against your lemonade!” courtesy of Evening Standard 26/2/20 https://www.standard.co.uk/news/crime/police-arrest-six-year-old-school-fired-orlando-florida-a4371736.html

TRUMP’S DOCTOR HID VEGETABLES IN HIS FOOD TO LOSE WEIGHT

[Doctor] “Listen, if you’re not going to take you’re veggies like a big boy, I’ll have to treat you like a baby!” #Veggiegate courtesy of Sky News 26/2/20 https://news.sky.com/story/trumps-former-doctor-hid-vegetables-in-his-food-to-help-him-lose-weight-11943296

CALL ME HARRY… JUST HARRY

Prince…. Sorry…. Harry has said he’s not using the title of ‘Prince’ anymore. courtesy of Sky News 26/2/20 https://news.sky.com/story/call-me-harry-prince-shrugs-off-his-title-as-he-returns-to-the-uk-11943562

JON SNOW ISOLATES BECAUSE OF CORONAVIRUS FEARS

So after fighting dragons Jon Snow dies because of some bloody virus! #Irony courtesy of Evening Standard 26/2/20 https://www.standard.co.uk/news/uk/jon-snow-channel-4-selfisolating-coronavirus-fears-iran-trip-a4371681.html

 GUNMAN SHOOTING SPREE IN MILWAUKEE BREWERY

There we go. The first of the year. Two months must be a record! Breaking news, they have breweries in the US! (Hope the families are coping well. Sorry for your losses) courtesy of Sky News 27/2/20 https://news.sky.com/story/multiple-people-dead-after-shooting-in-milwaukee-11944145

DIABETES CAUSES 90,000 AMPUTATIONS A YEAR

Those poor sods haven’t got a leg to stand on! [I shall take my leave!] courtesy of Sky News 27/2/20 https://news.sky.com/story/diabetes-more-than-9-000-amputations-a-year-in-england-caused-by-the-disease-11944156

MAN PUSHES WHEELCHAIR-BOUND WIFE IN POUND 

[Man] “I could stand the nagging any longer your honour!” courtesy of Sky News 27/2/20 https://news.sky.com/story/ultimate-act-of-domestic-violence-man-jailed-after-pushing-wheelchair-bound-wife-into-pond-11944172

BRITAIN’S NEW OLDEST MAN

He puts his long life down to ‘avoiding dying’ – I like him! Hope he lives a lot longer! courtesy of Sky News 27/2/20 https://news.sky.com/story/bob-weighton-briton-111-becomes-worlds-oldest-man-11944264

SPIELBERG QUITS AS DIRECTOR OF INDIANA JONES

Steven Spielberg has quit as the director of the 5th Indiana Jones film and fans have called for the film to be cancelled. I wouldn’t have minded but the last one was pretty crap! The original three were the best! courtesy of The Independent 27/2/20 https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/films/news/indiana-jones-5-steven-spielberg-quits-harrison-ford-james-mangold-trailer-release-date-a9362331.html

LIONESSES FLY ECONOMY

The England women’s team have decided to fly in economy because there are no seats left in business class – just because they want to fly together. Now that’s team spirit – something the men need to learn! If this was the men’s team, the FA would find seats in no time at all – probably get a private jet! courtesy of Sky Sports 27/2/20 https://www.skysports.com/watch/video/11944547/lionesses-to-fly-economy-for-shebelieves-cup

CRISP MAKERS RACE TO DISTANCE THEMSELVES FROM REES-MOGG

Don’t blame them – wouldn’t anybody! I’m trying to distance myself from him. I say I’m from Britain and he’s an illegal alien; or, if you’re an American, Mexican. courtesy of The Independent 27/2/20 https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/jacob-rees-mogg-walkers-pringles-crisps-twitter-a9362376.html

SWISS VILLAGE FACING EVACUATION BECAUSE OF WW2 WEAPONS

Those sneaky bastards! Switzerland was supposed to be neutral in the wars, but they were hiding weapons in an underground armoury – crafty! Guess their plan was to let Germany and Britain knock the shite out of each other and then they could come out and take over Europe – We’re onto you Switzerland! Must be a bummer for the residents 10 year evacuation – the kids in WW2 didn’t stay evacuated for that long! courtesy of Sky News 27/2/20 https://news.sky.com/story/swiss-village-facing-10-year-evacuation-over-second-world-war-weapons-threat-11944536

BORIS JOHNSON: WASH YOUR HANDS TO STOP CORONAVIRUS

Who’d have thought that basic hygiene would help stop the spread of the virus. Forgot the doctors and scientists, it’ll be all okay because we’ve got Johnson and Trump! courtesy of Sky News 28/2/20 http://news.sky.com/story/coronavirus-boris-johnson-says-best-advice-to-stop-covid-19-is-to-wash-your-hands-11945712

CORONAVIRUS COULD COST LIVERPOOL TITLE

The Premier League has said that if the coronavirus cuts the season short, they will have to hold a meeting to decide on what to do. I actually tweeted about how a bloody virus could stop Liverpool from winning the league, when the news broke about the quaratine patients going to Arrow Park hospital. Would be funny if the league voted against having a winner! courtesy of Liverpool Echo 28/2/20 https://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/sport/football/football-news/premier-league-stance-claim-coronavirus-17835129#ICID=Android_EchoNewsApp_AppShare

 

I think this is the best yet! Hope you enjoyed it, as I feel I got some good commentaries in there! See you next week for Week 6 of The News Highlight of the Week!

Let me know what you think of this post in the comments below.

See you next week!

Thanks for reading!

 

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